EDIT: This is the first time I came up with the idea on Antisexuality so I’m leaving it up here for historical purposes. 🙂
I polled some of my female friends to share a moment when they instantly knew they were no longer interested in having sex.
“I was having a bad day and he said “Stop being sad, it’s making me feel weird. Can you just be happy tonight?”
“He was talking about how many other women found him attractive…while I was naked in his bed.”
“He got me daisies and I like petunias!! DOES HE EVEN LOVE ME?!” (just kidding….sort of)
This automatic shut down may seem harsh or feel manipulative but it’s actually a very real physiological response her body fires up during certain situations.
Dr Diana Fleischman did research on this in 2014 with her paper “Women’s Disgust Adaptations”
By showing women videos that included scary, disgusting, and erotic scenes in various orders, Dr. Fleischmann found that women took longer to get turned on after having viewed the disgusting scenes. You can read more about it here.
“Women are more vulnerable to contracting diseases through sex than men and show worse outcomes once infected so we should expect that women will be especially turned off when they are disgusted.” -Dr Diana Fleischman
Even though Dr Fleischman’s work talked about physical disgust, it’s not a far cry for a woman to feel a kind of disgust if her man is talking about how tons of other women find him attractive while she’s naked with him.
And as we all know – a messy house, dirt under your fingernails, or a grease stain on your shirt are FAR from the only things that can instantly kill her sexual desire.
In fact, there are so many different triggers they are better understood under an umbrella term I call “antisexuality”.
Antisexuality is an experience or thought that discourages sexual arousal and/or makes future sexual situations less enticing.
As a guy this can be tough to wrap your mind around because we don’t really have a frame of reference for antisexual experiences.
There’s just not that much in our day-to-day world that can totally lock down our sex drive to the point where we say “Nope. Not happening. Go away. Now.”
It’s a much different story for women though and it can be hard to understand what her antisexual triggers are because there appears to be no consistency:
- She may be down for having sex in the kitchen one day but the next time you try it she’s slapping your hand away.
- She may be willing to have a quickie to finish off Tuesday but when you try on Thursday she actually gets offended and tells you to take care of yourself.
- She may be pulling you into a messy bedroom for some wild clothes-still-on Friday night sex but next time she’s demanding the entire house be cleaned top to bottom and a trail of rose petals before you can even touch her.
As erratic as her behavior may seem, when you understand what triggers her body to say “Don’t you even think of touching me!” you ensure you never have that experience again.
The “mistake” most men make is thinking that sex only happens when you are having sex.
Now, this is a COMPLETELY reasonable assumption and I totally understand why you might think that way – After all, if you aren’t having sex, then you aren’t actually having sex.
The problem is women don’t see it that way.
And if your woman doesn’t see it that way, then you need to start understanding how she does see it if you don’t want your sex life to wink out of existence.
In fact, just a couple of weeks ago I had my own girlfriend say “We are always having sex!” like it was the most logical thing in the world.
(I assure you we are not always having sex.)
You see, women have an expanded definition of what sexual interaction is.
And that means it is our job to understand their definition so we can guarantee they’ll still want to have sex as the years go on.
After all, if sex isn’t limited to what goes on in the bedroom then whatever is going on outside the bedroom has massive potential to affect what you and I would consider “actual sex”.
This means every single moment that passes a woman’s body is either moving TOWARDS or AWAY from sexual arousal and desire – and it most often has nothing to do with just seeing your body and wanting to have sex.
Sexual energy for women in long term relationships is primarily dictated by emotional intimacy rather than physical desire.
(The only time you can rely on spontaneously generated desire from her is if you haven’t seen each other for a while. Other than that, you need a different game plan.)
When a woman is tuning in to see if she wants to have sex, her body will replay the most recent experiences of emotional intimacy (or lack thereof) to assess if there is enough of a connection to spark sexual arousal and desire.
- Has he called or texted me recently to see how I’m doing?
- Has it felt lighthearted and playful between us or stale and transactional?
- Has he asked me to cuddle closer even though I’m already completely wrapped up in his arms?
Don’t believe me?
Here’s a conversation I had with a female friend while I was doing research for this article:
The part I find most telling is where she says “If we haven’t settled something up I cannot get turned on.”
She didn’t say “Then I don’t want sex” or “I prefer if we settle the issue first” – she literally cannot get turned on.
That’s what antisexuality is.
This is important to understand because it’s really easy to tell yourself a story like “She’s an ice queen, she’s a bitch, she’s lame in bed” and get your buddies to agree with you.
If we go back to the foundational principles of female sexual arousal – “safety + relaxation = arousal” – then it becomes very clear why women completely lose interest in sex so suddenly.
Let’s up the ante a bit though and take this to an extreme so we have a clearer barometer for the antisexual and how it plays out in the long term.
Look at this FML comment I found a while ago:
What kind of bodily response do you think she gets from a comment like that?
Do you think her body responds in the same way as telling her you’re going to wrap her up in soft silk sheets where she is free to totally relax, feel sensual, and enjoy getting turned on slowly?
Or maybe it’s more like “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME RIGHT NOW!!”?
It doesn’t matter if that guy was joking or didn’t mean it – by that point the damage has already been done.
It’s the exact same thing as her saying “Can’t you just hook your dick up to a catheter and pump vinegar down it so you fire blanks and don’t get me pregnant”.
Now there’s an antisexual experience you can relate to (and notice just how outlandish we had to make it to get there).
Now I know you aren’t the kind of guy that would tell your girl to use vinegar as contraception, so why are we talking about this?
The human nervous system responds to real or imagined threats the same way.
Ever felt like shit because you got an email from your boss ripping you a new one for something you forgot to do?
There’s no real physical threat there but your body’s nervous system will spike as though he’s actually in the room yelling at you.
Unfortunately the analogy ends there because the bad news isn’t likely to impair your sexual desire.
But what about the girl in the FML?
Do you think hearing that comment from her boyfriend might shape the way she views her future sexual experiences with him?
She might try to shake it off but the reality is her body will not forget that any time soon.
Over time, if he is repeatedly spiking her disgust/antisexual alarm system with stupid comments her body will start to automatically feel unsafe and nervous around him.
(Keep in mind she might not even consciously recognize what’s happening since she’ll be told that it’s just a joke and she’s making a big deal out of nothing.)
Then stack on the rest of her day-to-day life where she has to deal with unwanted advances from guys at work, strangers whistling at her as she walks to her car, or fend off being groped by drunk guys during a girls night out dancing.
As her body receives more and more unwanted sexual signals over time her nervous system is going to decide that ANY sexual advance is negative because that’s been the vast majority of her experience!
And while we can look at this FML girl and say “Wow, that really sucks” what most of us don’t understand is that girl IS our girl.
Maybe your girl has never been told to wash herself with vinegar, but you better believe she’s had men saying stupid stuff to her for YEARS.
She’s probably so used to it by now she doesn’t even think to mention it.
And every single time that happens it’s another tiny assault on her nervous system that tells her sexual experiences are unsafe and antisexual.
So in addition to being accountable for your own actions you are also accountable for the actions of the men in her previous relationships and any other guy that hit on her and made her feel threatened.
It doesn’t mean you are doomed to paying for the sins of other men for the rest of your relationship but if you want to have a strong and healthy sexual relationship you MUST have some kind of idea of what her experience is like.
A satisfactory sexual experience simply isn’t good enough to maintain her desire in the long term when all these other negative experiences that have been bombarding her for years.
(And we haven’t even BEGUN to talk about how mental exhaustion and work related stress affect her desire.)
This is why you must be SO IMPECCABLE when it comes to creating a safe, loving, and positive environment that conforms to HER sexual needs.
Every time you have sex with her and she is subtly asked to compromise her desires because “There’s not enough time” or “That’s too much effort” or “Can we just get to the point” you are slowly killing her appetite for sexual intimacy.
Just because YOU don’t care if there are candles, incense, music, and soft blankets doesn’t mean they are completely unimportant and can be omitted.
I’m not saying that you have to go all out and make every single occasion the best night of her life (though sign up here for future articles because it’s not as unachieveable as you may think) or that you have put hours of effort into making sure she always has all her needs catered to.
In fact, the standard is set so low that little things like doing what you said you would do and giving her a short foot rub at the end of the day can often be enough.
The good news about all of this is that her nervous system is actually MORE susceptible to positive sexual interactions.
Women are INCREDIBLY sexual beings.
Think about it.
They literally have a biological urge to create and carry LIFE inside their BODY – if that’s not the embodiment of a sexual being then I don’t know what is.
(And it’s even more remarkable when you consider they continue looking for the right guy despite the way they have been treated by others in the past.)
So even after wading through an entire day of antisexuality – giving her the kind of sexual attention she actually craves is guaranteed to make her want to return the favor.
It really doesn’t take that long to go from your hand being swatted away when you try to touch her bum to having her automatically push her hips into you.
Once her nervous system interprets your touch as respectful, safe, and loving she is going to turn into a sexual tigress – no matter how long you’ve been together.
But that’s enough philosophy for now.
Let’s lay it out with an actual real world scenario and wrap this article up.
Say she’s on her way home from work and you didn’t clean up the bedroom like you said you would.
However, your girl understands that you are both lead busy lives right now so she understands you are tired and it’s not a huge deal.
If 10/10 is total antisexual lockdown, she’d be at a 3/10 – it could go either way at this point.
However, she happened to have a stressful day at work and she ended up crying before she was about to go home because a coworker was giving her a hard time.
Add in the dirty room and she’s at a 5/10 because a tired body is less forgiving and now the room feels dirtier than it actually is.
You decide to completely ignore the fact that she’s upset because you’ve told her for a month that she needs to back off. If she doesn’t want to fix the problem then there is no point talking about it.
Right or wrong, this makes her feel like you don’t care about her and creates an emotional disconnect so now she’s at an 8/10.
You finish the evening with some Netflix and start to slowly creep your hand up her thigh in the hopes of turning her on and having sex.
Who knows, maybe she’ll feel better after an orgasm?
SHE knows. And SHE’S too tired.
You complain that see never wants to have sex anymore and how that’s all she wanted to do when you first started going out.
At that moment, a memory of that time flashes through her mind – the first time you were together – you picked her up at her place, had a nice meal at a fancy restaurant, walked outside under the stars for a while, went back to your place, lit some candles, put on some nice music, and made love for the first time.
It’s such a stark contrast to the day she’s just had – the dirty room, the arguing at work, the emotional disconnect and the perceived lack of effort in seducing her – the antisexuality system slams into 10/10 and her body goes into total sexual lockdown.
She starts crying, tells you to fuck off and slams the door to the bedroom.
But could the night have gone differently?
You better believe it.
And if you do it well you can even skip the part where you have clean the house.
So she arrives home upset and you can tell she’s has another argument with her coworker. The house isn’t clean so she’s at a 5/10.
Instead of deciding you either solve her problem or she gets ignored, you take her to the couch and opt to simply listen and ask her to tell you how she feels. You don’t try to solve anything, just let her voice the turmoil that’s been simmering all the way through rush hour.
While she does this, you gently rub her shoulders and give her your FULL attention – you could even give her a kiss or two on the neck or hand.
The gentle touch and focused attention tells her body that she is safe and calms down her nervous system.
Before long she realizes just how patient you’ve been with her since this problem with her coworker has been going on for a couple of months now.
Now she’s at 2/10 because you’ve been so kind and accommodating towards her – which is something you simply do because you now understand how antisexual triggers affect your relationship.
You hug her closely and let her body relax into yours, at which point she feels so loved and cared for that she’s actually starting to get turned on by how supportive you’ve been.
The night ends with a nice round of sex and both of you feeling sexually satiated, bonded, and in love.
Which night would you prefer? It’s a no brainer…am I right?
Yes, I’m right.
So it’s time to start actually using all this information!
We covered a ton of stuff so let’s summarize:
- Antisexuality is an experience or thought that discourages sexual arousal and/or makes future sexual situations less enticing – it can include physical disgust, emotional disconnect, or mental stress.
- A woman’s body moves towards or away from sexual arousal and desire at every single moment that passes (not just right before actual sex) – being aware of this will help you prevent sudden antisexual blowouts.
- A satisfactory sexual experience isn’t good enough to maintain her desire in the long term with all the other negative experiences that have been bombarding her for years.
- Every time she is subtly asked to compromise her sexual desires because “There’s not enough time” or “That’s too much effort” or “Can we just get to the point” you are slowly killing her desire for sexual intimacy by making it unfulfilling and eventually antisexual.
- By sexually engaging with her in the way SHE wants you can immediately undo an entire day or weeks worth of antisexuality. Do that over time and she won’t be able to help but turn into a sexual tigress.
So in the comments below I want you to name one thing small thing you can do for your girl that you KNOW means the world to her and then go out and actually do it.
Thanks for reading.