“I thought I was too tired to cum that hard”
“I was sure I was just going to fall asleep. I didn’t think I’d get that wet”
“How is this happening!?!”
These are the kind of things I hear from my girlfriend all the time.
And it’s completely understandable!
She’s a really busy woman – a CEO – and is constantly wishing she had more time to herself.
I find it really endearing and sweet that even after all these years, she STILL has a hard time believing how aroused she gets despite how tired she feels at the end of the day.
When you are part of a busy couple in a long term relationship, your approach to how you initiate sex must be VASTLY different than when you first started dating.
Today I’m going to share a case study/report card to break down the last time my girlfriend and I got together on a weekday.
First, I’ll give you a quick summary of how the evening went down. Then I’ll break down the crucial moments and discuss the best practices for how we can activate female arousal when pressed for time.
By the end of this post, you will learn:
- The most overlooked moment that – when done correctly – sets up the space for her body to turn on long before you get to the bedroom.
- What all women I’ve ever talked to agree is the sexiest thing a man can do – and how to tell when you’ve done it right.
- The only way to guarantee she’ll turn into a wild woman every time you have sex (she can’t do it on her own, so you’ll have to help).
Here we go.
We were on the phone and in the background I hear the clicking of her signal light as she’s driving.
Every time I call her she seems to be in her car.
I say “I’m working for the next two weekends. I have Thursday off so why don’t you come over to my place after work? I’ll cook dinner and then we can have sex.”
“Mmmmmm. That sounds like a fantastic idea!”
Now, I know that this fantastic idea will last about 3 1/2 hours from the time she arrived at my place to the time she has to leave.
This is a bit of a tight schedule considering we needed to eat, do dishes, catch up with how our week went, have sex, and then she has to be up early for work the next day.
If I want the evening to transition into a passionate sexual experience where we end up having sex on the floor I’m going to have to be efficient and smart with the lead up.
There’s just not enough time to let that connection slowly unfold on it’s own given the experience we’re after.
So when the day finally came around, she ended up arriving early.
I was expecting her to be a bit late and now I’m feeling rushed to put things together.
I greeted her with a quick hug and a kiss and immediately went back to cooking while she shared stories of her day and all the “people managing” that never seems to end as I finished the cooking.
I pulled off a great dinner and she loved her salmon enough to have seconds. For some reason I always tear up when she appreciates my cooking. I guess I’m a bit of a sap.
As we cleaned up and do the dishes I started sharing my stories.
I mentally cautioned myself because I know that I can ramble on about my plans to take over the world and it will quickly cut into sexy time.
After dinner she wanted to cuddle on the couch while we digested.
What a great time to show her the new song I’m learning on guitar!
I played for a bit and then it came:
“Darling, I’m getting kind of tired.”
Pushed it too far.
So I told her that it’s ok, we don’t have to have sex tonight, we can just cuddle for a bit longer and then she can head home.
(In a long term relationship, you don’t want her associating sex with anything less than excitement and passion, so never beg, pressure, guilt, or use PUA “take away” tactics to force her into it. Those experiences imprint on her nervous system and create a massive wall between you. Accept the situation and change your approach the next time.)
Luckily we’ve built a good foundation of great sexual experiences over the years so she still wanted to have sex.
We got in the shower to freshen up and made our way to the bedroom. We put on some music, quickly lit a few candles, wrapped her in a soft blanket while the room warmed up, and started having sex.
She got close to a vaginal orgasm a couple times but didn’t quite go over the edge. She did have the energy to make sure I had a good experience though.
It wasn’t our best work, but at least we got to be together before we were too busy to see each other for a while.
Now before we critique what went wrong here, take a moment and think about it for yourself.
I want you to actually think about what I could have done better.
When you start thinking about these things for yourself, it’s going to be much easier for you to notice solutions to your own personal circumstance.
- Not enough foreplay?
- She ate too much?
- Maybe I just suck at the guitar?
Here’s what I noticed.
Mistake #1 – I didn’t hug her for long enough when she first walked in the door.
Now, I know you’re probably thinking that’s a bit too obvious, maybe even downright boring.
But it’s remarkable how easy it is to overlook something so small when you’ve been together for years.
I mean, she’s the same girl as she’s always been, walking through the same door she always has, bringing in the same groceries, and hopefully she has figured out that you love her by now.
So why are we even bothering to talk about this?
What I found through my own relationship was that the first interaction of the day had a massive impact on how the evening played out.
Once I came to treat it as the most important part of my day it was like I was in a completely different relationship.
Let me explain why.
If the first time she sees you that day you are upset, stomping around, and angry because you are slowly realizing you suck at Starcraft – she’s automatically going to be on guard. “Uh oh. What’s he mad about now? Was it something I did? What should I do? Last time I tried to help he just got mad at me. And when I left him alone that almost made things worse.”
Over time, her body will automatically feel like she’s walking into a viper’s den. Not good for sexual arousal.
Alternatively, If you barely look up from your computer screen and give her an absent minded “hey” while she brings in the groceries – she’s going to feel unappreciated and eventually say something like “I don’t feel like you even see me.”
Women who feel unappreciated in long term relationships are rarely excited to move the evening towards sex of their own accord. (If they do, it’s often not with their chosen partner).
You don’t even have to take my word for it, because what we are talking about here has to do with the science of her autonomic nervous system.
For those of you not familiar with it, the autonomic nervous system affects processes in her body that are typically thought of as being beyond conscious control.
(Wim Hof is currently changing minds with his extreme cold weather endurance feats, but the conventional model still applies for our purposes because the vast majority of people are not yet actively able to control this system.)
Within the autonomic nervous system, there are two divisions – the sympathetic (fight or flight) system and parasympathetic (rest and digest) system.
So when she comes home after a long day and she’s stressed and tired – your presence is informing her autonomic nervous system of what kind of environment she is walking into.
Is she walking into a situation that her body could perceive as requiring high alertness and potentially dangerous (sympathetic activation)?- AKA you in beast mode because she’s late coming home from work.
Or has she entered an environment that immediately meets her with love, relief from the stresses of her day, and a warm sense of connection with her man (parasympathetic activation)? – AKA you greeting her at the door, telling her you missed her, and that you love her.
Generally speaking, female arousal in long term relationships can only occur when her body is given space to let go of the fight or flight response and settle down into a safe, relaxed, and calm environment.
So make it a priority to greet her at the door and you’re already halfway towards creating space for her nervous system to get aroused.
Ultimately you are looking for her to sigh and relax her body into you while you hold her – in my experience it’s around 10 seconds.
If you know she’d be weirded out by hugging for that long, then slowly work on lengthening it over time. You can always buy yourself 1 or 2 more seconds with things like an extra squeeze, repositioning your arms around her waist or upper back, a kiss on the forehead or cheek, or looking into her eyes and telling her you love her.
It won’t take long before her nervous system recognizes what you are offering and her body will latch right on to it.
Mistake #2 – I didn’t continue giving her affection while I was cooking.
I felt rushed because she arrived early and had to focus on the food a bit more.
While cooking a meal is always appreciated and even though I highly recommend it, it’s not the fastest way to reset her nervous system when you are crunched for time.
When I talk to guys about this, they report around a 50/50 chance of a successful sexual encounter when either cooking or going out for a meal.
But in cases where they happened to do a lot of comforting, non-sexual touch, they notice a much higher success rate.
So don’t blame her if you’ve cooked for her in the past and she still didn’t want to have sex – it doesn’t always hit the right areas of her brain and nervous system to trigger arousal.
When going for maximum female arousal, find the time to touch and interact with her a bit more – a couple of kisses, another little squeeze or hug, pour her a glass of wine, etc. etc.
The specific actions you can do will arise naturally out of the moment.
The idea is to create an environment where she knows that your attention is on her.
My girlfriend and other female friends all agree that having her man’s attention on her is one of the sexiest experiences she can have.
So ask yourself: Is there anything I can do for her right now?
You’ll know you are on the right track because she’ll start looking at you a lot more – kind of like she’s in a bit of trance. And after each action you might notice she responds just a little more enthusiastically.
When you start giving her this kind of attention and build the evening around her she immediately starts to wonder “What’s going to happen next? Where is he leading me?”
Which is exactly what every heroine in every romance novel ever written wonders when she first meets the man that ultimately seduces her and they end up having wild and crazy sex.
Mistake #3 – I played the guitar.
Maybe this one is a bit counter-intuitive.
We all know that women generally love men who can play music so you’d think that would be a winner, right?
But even romantic finger picked acoustic guitar isn’t a substitute for touch in a time sensitive situation with a long term partner.
When we start thinking about all these actions and gestures as specific tools that are designed to accomplish different tasks, all of a sudden her constantly changing preferences start to make sense.
The guitar can do wonders when you know you have time to lead her deep into swoony arousal but it’s not the right tool to re-energize and arouse a woman who’s been at work all day.
Do you see how easy it would be to just throw up my hands and blame her for not just wanting it?
I cooked a fantastic meal, listened to her talk about her day, played the guitar, and even after all that effort she was only really into it because we have a long history of great sex.
If I’ve put a full night of effort towards her shouldn’t I automatically be rewarded?
The harsh truth is no, I shouldn’t. At least, not as far as her nervous system is concerned.
Failure to understand that different actions produce different results in her body can make you feel like you are pouring a huge amount of time, effort, and money into a black hole without ever being acknowledged for any of it.
Restaurants, dancing, date nights, weekend getaways, and on and on and on.
All in an effort to try to get laid IN YOUR SEXUALLY EXCLUSIVE AND COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.
This apparent fickleness spills over into the bedroom where all the signs say she is going to want it rough and then all of a sudden she’s asking you to just hold her and be gentle.
So once you begin to understand how her nervous system works, it’s much easier to shift gears and embody the energy she needs at that particular moment.
As you get more adept at this and meet her needs, her body will fire her arousal process faster and faster and she will enthusiastically and regularly return the favor.
Now obviously this is a much longer discussion and I’m really excited to have it with you.
But just so you can hit the ground running, one of the most important 80/20 lego blocks to start with is non-sexual touch.
Non-sexual touch is the fastest way to get her body to feel “connected” and help her nervous system relax enough to switch gears and actually be capable of getting aroused.
(Here’s a summary of the science of non-sexual touch.)
So when time is of the essence – less talking about how great your empire will be, less guitar shredding, and more non-sexual touching.
What I should have done was taken her to the couch, put her feet on my lap, and started gently squeezing her feet and calves.
This tells her body that she’s safe, that she’s loved, that it’s ok to forget about everything that happened during that day and it’s time to enjoy being with her man.
As you give her permission to totally relax she’ll be thinking “Ahh, this feels so nice. Exactly what I needed……Oh…What?….How am I getting turned on!?”
Mistake #4 – She didn’t end up orgasming
There’s two points to make here.
The first is that regularly neglecting her sexual satisfaction is obviously a barrier to her wanting to do it more often.
I’m going to assume this isn’t a mind blowing revelation to the guys who’ve made it this far so we’ll move on.
The second (and more important) point is with how the evening played out, there’s really no way she was going to orgasm in the first place.
I simply cut too many corners – poor initial hug, lack of attention during cooking, no non-sexual touch – and all that amounted to an insufficient relaxation level for her body to get properly aroused.
With that kind of lead up there’s really no hope of ever getting her to vaginal orgasms or any of the other secrets her body has in store.
Do you see how neglecting to address her stressed out nervous system completely killed my chances for an intense sexual encounter before we even got to the bedroom?
One of the mindsets I adopted to deal with this problem was to take complete responsibility for my girlfriend’s arousal level and always look for ways to improve.
Men are used to doing it with their health, career, and hobbies, but not a lot of us take that same intentional focus and apply it to our relationship – the one area that needs it the most.
The reality is that if you want to have a passionate sex life for years to come you simply can’t leave her arousal up to her because the odds are she doesn’t even know what full arousal feels like.
The only way the two of you can find that out is if you lead her there.
It’s simply not possible for a woman to drive herself wild and shut down the left orbitofrontal cortex so she can sing in ecstasy – that’s what she needs you for.
In 4 years with my girlfriend nothing bad has EVER happened from experimenting with how I could get her even more relaxed and aroused than the last time.
She’s also loved every minute of it – Remember how women find their man’s attention focused on them to be highly arousing? That’s exponentially true in a sexual situation.
Even if you think it might not be the case for your relationship, it’s at least worth a try. There’s definitely worse ways to spend an evening together.
Like watching Netflix while you both are looking at your phones and wondering where the passion has gone.
So luckily for me, the evening I just described is extremely rare for us – I’m not worried that my relationship is about to fall apart.
However if this started happening more often though, she’d definitely start to wonder “What’s changed between us? Why isn’t he trying? Does he not find me attractive?”
So, to land this plane, here’s what you now know:
- How you greet your lady when she first walks in the door is the MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT in your relationship and sets up how your evening and entire life will play out.
- Women need to be able to relax so their nervous system is able to fire the arousal process. When she’s tired, the fastest way to do this is through warm, loving, non-sexual touch.
- Your girlfriend’s arousal level is completely your responsibility because she can’t make herself go wild.
All of this leads up to intense sex on a weekday even if she’s too tired. No manipulation or power struggles necessary.
Getting her there may take some time, so aim to have these principles pay off in a week rather than tonight.
The first few nights might involve giving your attention and care with no immediate return of the favour. That’s ok. Think of it like tending to a garden that has been lacking some vital nutrients for a little while.
By addressing the needs of her body and giving her the space to soak up affection, you are fundamentally changing the chemistry of her body and sexual arousal becomes an inevitability.
Enjoy the process my friend.