I got this text from my girlfriend yesterday.
We’ve been together for over 4 years now and I get these kinds of texts daily.
Between you and me, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about being called a “beautiful man”.
Of all the things I aspire to be, “beautiful man” isn’t really at the top of the list.
But hey, she seems pretty happy and it sounds like high praise even if I don’t totally understand.
Here’s another text I got a few hours later.
My name is Mark Stefanishyn and I want to share with you a totally unconventional and completely overlooked strategy to creating a stable, loving, and sexually fulfilling long term relationship with your girlfriend or wife.
As much as I wish I could tell you I was born with the ability to cause internal earthquakes in every woman I looked at, I didn’t start out as anything special.
When I was growing up, I was never dealt the super macho, alpha, manly man cards.
In fact, my cards were Magic The Gathering and Pokemon. And if I’m honest, I never played as much World of Warcraft as I wanted.
Looking back, the only physical thing I ever got good at was Dance Dance Revolution.
I also had a pony tail.
So girls weren’t exactly throwing themselves at me.
But I wasn’t a total failure.
Armed with some intellectual conversation about psychology or spirituality, I could get the nerdier girls interested. Maaaybe one of the girls in drama class.
Even so, my prospects were just limited enough that breaking up with a girl was always a really difficult choice, for fear of being alone for the rest of my life.
On top of that, I also managed to pick up this weird idea that girls didn’t actually like to have sex.
It seemed that guys always had to be covert in their advances and there was always some sitcom on TV with a guy asking his wife to have sex, her saying she was too tired, and then the canned laughter.
I knew that whatever happened in my life, I was NEVER going to be in that position NO MATTER WHAT.
Being a nerdier kid brought up by a good suburban upper-middle class family, I certainly knew it wasn’t OK to treat a girl like a piece of meat. I was taught to be kind and respectful, to never impose on or objectify them, and to “keep your eyes up here”.
And when the time came for my girlfriend and I to finally lose our virginity together, I made absolutely sure she didn’t feel any pressure.
Even if I kinda did.
As I grew up I never had the goal to sleep with as many women as possible — I just wasn’t programmed that way.
I wanted to meet a girl that I could go really deep with. A girl who I could debate with, a girl with a sense of humor, a girl that would be called cute before hot (but secretly knew how to turn on the sexy).
A girl I could take home to my parents house (since I still lived there).
When I was really honest with myself, that’s what I actually wanted.
My buddies weren’t really looking for that.
Fresh out of high school and legal drinking age, the ultimate sexual experience was supposed to be a one night stand.
So during Mario Party nights I’d have to hear about how drunk Brock got and macked with Kendra in the pool shed or how Jay cheated on his girlfriend with one of her friends.
It was just plain boring.
Sometimes I actually thought “Is there something wrong with me? Why don’t I want to fuck anything that moves like the rest of them?“
Once I landed my first real long term relationship I did all the typical nice guy stuff:
- Always let her decide where to eat so I knew she’d be happy.
- Use my rationality and logic to solve her emotional problems.
- Make sure she always came first.
If you asked me how things were between us, I’d say great. But deep down I knew it wasn’t.
As time went on we argued more and more.
At first it was just little disagreements on my opinions of her siblings.
Then it was complaining about how we never did anything exciting.
Before long, the moment she detected even a hint of frustration in my voice, she’d get emotional and tell me to “stop yelling”.
And the more I irrefutably proved that my thinking was correct on everything and she should see the world my way, the more she pulled away.
Do you know what the biggest problem was though?
The sex was just good enough to make us temporarily forget why we were fighting the day before instead of connecting us so we could see past the little things breaking us up.
This cycle of arguing and make-up sex kept the relationship alive for probably a year longer than it should have.
When it finally came to a close, I got to stare my fear of not finding someone else in the face — for the next 3 years.
I carried on my lonely nerdy way, this time more focused on playing music than video games (back then I listened to Lateralus almost exclusively).
And one fateful day, full of hormones and no way to express it in a fulfilling manner, I typed “sex” into the Pirate Bay.
Not for porn, but for knowledge.
And I found the holy grail.
Some angel blessed me with a compendium of over 50 ebooks about everything I ever wanted to know about sex and how to ensure that the next girl I was with would be putty in my hands.
Maybe then she wouldn’t leave me.
And yeah. I found Mystery, David DeAngelo, Style, and all the rest of them.
Obviously I wasn’t going to be flipping off 10s as an opener in the club like Mystery told me to but they all seemed to agree that if I wanted to increase my odds I should go where the girls are.
So I wound up in the strangest place imaginable.
I enrolled in a full-time program to become a massage therapist.
I was 22 years old with no girlfriend.
I had 18 female classmates that I was expected to work with regularly — and professionally.
It was the most difficult, unconventional, and intense training of my life.
I also hadn’t had sex in about two years.
And now I get texts like these multiple times a week.
But as awesome it is to get these messages, it’s not just about the sex.
The same ideas and techniques I used to have a passionate sex life are the same techniques and ideas that helped me:
- Stop relationship drama (so I’m not suddenly blindsided with 2 months of things I’ve been doing wrong)
- Encourage her independence (so I can have guilt-free me time to play The Witcher)
- Understand what she actually needs when she’s emotionally upset (so she doesn’t turn on me when I step in to fix it all).
I’m not going to promise to “Completely change your relationship over night with 7 incredible sex positions she craves!!“
This stuff is a bit more demanding than the recycled fluff in Cosmo magazine.
But once you get it, you are set for the rest of your life. And you’re her playground. Or she’s yours. Whatever you prefer.
Most men coast through their relationship until she’s fed up enough to leave.
But you and I know that there is no such thing as “coasting” when it comes to creating a loving, committed, and stable relationship with your girl.
Because you want to be someone she’s proud to gush to her girlfriends about.
Because you both want to feel that same excitement you did when you first had sex.
Because you love her and may even be thinking about spending the rest of your life with her.
So from one good guy to another, I’d like to share what I’ve learned so you can skip the years it took me to figure out the art and science of long term relationships.